Relationship Advice (Lessons from the Hotel Industry)

Relationship Advice (Lessons from the Hotel Industry)

1) Your partner will often embarrass and disappoint you. S/he would probably not be able to do it if s/he didn’t love you deeply. Sometimes those embarrassing moments come about because s/he stretched a little too far to express his/ her love for you. On the flip side is a deep act of love and Sacrifice

Imagine it is Valentine day. Imagine your partner takes you out for a surprise dinner, and then you find yourself on an exclusive love nest nestled right on the beach in one of the most expensive beach resorts in your country. See the moon perched half way in the sky, the tide is low, and waves are rolling gently reflecting the flames of a bonfire lit just for the two of you. You have a dedicated waiter and a customized menu with photos of the two of you. The food is sumptuous, the drinks are amazing. You get the most wonderful moment of your life.

Imagine after such a wonderful night, you accidentally discover a few days later that your partner actually used all the money s/he had that month leaving his account empty to make that dinner possible. Imagine how it would move you to imagine such a sacrifice. 

To be sure, that happened in one of the Resorts I worked for, only the dinner had an ugly ending. The resort offers one of the most exclusive and romantic valentine dinners. A young man pre paid for this dinner on the beach with girl friend, only that he forgot the drinks were not inclusive. After having a great evening together, the man was presented with a bill for their drinks (and they had not over indulged, just a bottle of wine between the two). He absolutely had no money to pay the bill. It was such a terrible situation to handle as the duty manager. The girl cried, and I could see the contempt in her eyes for this guy. Several hours later, and very late in the night, almost 3am, after determining the couple had no means of paying the bill, the couple were allowed to leave. They left quietly together, and I still wonder if they ever talked to each other again.

I thought this young man very naïve then. I look at it slightly differently now. Without discounting the need for prudence and good sense, I applaud his courage and sacrifice. To love is to be vulnerable; there are so many things that could go wrong. It is easier and safer to live in a self-protective cocoon of lovelessness. It takes courage and sacrifice to reach out to another heart, and it does not always turn out perfectly. 
When we are loved, it is easy to overlook these sacrifices and courage when the attempts of our lovers fall short of their intentions. We barely see the intentions, the courage, or the sacrifice, we only see the embarrassment, and the slight and all we carry in our hearts is contempt and resentment.

From the dad who can’t be home for his wife and kids because he is trying to earn their upkeep, to the house wife so bogged down taking care of the kids she can’t keep herself sweet and sparkling. Lets learn to see and appreciate the sacrifice, may be then we can learn how to help them be what we would love to see them be.

2) The easiest way to be faithful to your partner is not ‘stronger self control’ or ‘will’ but establishing strong strata of social support and accountability around yourself.

Couples cheat on each other. They do it more than I have ever wanted to admit to myself to be true. I know it because I see them ‘co-habit’ with workmates when they come for conferences and business functions. I know it because I have seen them bring in twilight girls more often than you would think acceptable. I know they hate to do it because I see how disillusioned they look the following morning. Unless they are coming from a terribly dysfunctional relationship, I can almost think they swear they would never do it again, but still do it the next time they visit!

When I was young and seriously studying the bible, I came across a doctrine called “the depravity of man”. The doctrine suggests that man is morally inept. His heart is perpetually inclined towards evil. Given the opportunity, and an assurance of cover up, man will chose to act selfishly if it will be gratifying. The opposing view was that man is morally capable. He will always choose the right thing when it is within his means.
If you believed in the first doctrine, your attempt at godliness consists of putting checks and balances in your environment to ensure that if you entered a compromising situation, you will have already have made it impossible for yourself to indulge.
If you believed in the second, you relied on your good will and your inner strength. If you fail, the best remedy was to explain it away or justify the action as having been inevitable because of your genetic predisposition and so on.

I know some care for their partner way more than they care for God, or rather his existence. However, if you are really committed to your partner, I would suggest you take the first approach, it is safer. Assume if you were in a compromising situation you will likely cheat. Then take steps to make it impossible for you to cheat in such a situation. Ask your partner to call you at the time you know the party will be ending. Ask your most trusted co-worker to ensure you don’t act silly after a few drinks. Only travel with the credit card your partner has access to to make it harder for you to pay for some of those services like ‘extra guest in your room’. Look at all those situations with your partner in mind and think beforehand how to mitigate them. And most important, surround yourself with people you are accountable to!

3) Borrow some of the civility you exhibit in the hotel to take back home with you

Except for very few people, lots of the couples who come to hotels behave very honorably. They will be in time for the three meals, they will not belch carelessly. They will be very well groomed even when in casual wear. They will be clean and not expose smelly feet and sweaty armpits for everyone to sniff at.

If you really love your partner, they should surely experience you at your best everyday! Why leave it only to your workmates to see you when you are best dressed and best groomed and in your best manners. Invest in proper evening cloths and throw away those torn T shirts. That is how the movie stars look so sexy even when in the kitchen in the movies we all love to watch. Be clean and tidy- make yourself kissable and huggable at any moment. 

4) Share with your partner your fantasies- it is possible s/he too is paying for them somewhere. You could share the experience, or have it free at home

The leisure industry has come up with all sorts of luxuries you can indulge in. Depending on your social background, these may be less than acceptable to participate in. But let’s be real, we all have an urge to participate in novel things that will give us a higher high. I know it because I know the much hotels are collecting from Spas and Casinos and all manner of other services. 

Instead of secretly indulging in these, why not let your partner in. You might be surprised s/he appreciates the same things. 

This may relate to point two above as well. It is unfortunate but we have a massive sex industry out there. Massive lots of people pay for… well; I am not sure what they pay for. May be these are fantasies that can be helped at home if well communicated…

5) For the singles, there are very many great, focused single men and women out there. Just pursue your dream, stay focused, travel. You will find yourself meeting very interesting, focused people. I see them every day!